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Rescuing relationships

Couple help others travel the rocky road of love

By Paul Liberatore

IJ senior features writer

GEORGE TAYLOR and Debra Chamberlin-Taylor describe themselves as "veterans of many disappointing relationships."

How many, exactly?

"Zillions," Debra says with a laugh as she and her husband sit beside each other in the living room of their Fairfax home.

For the past two decades, there has been only one relationship for the Taylors, their own.

Appropriately enough, they met at a retreat on relationships in Humboldt County in the 1970s. She was a young psychotherapist. He was a hippie poet. They were both looking for a partner, but not another of those ill fated romances that end with what they describe as "blaming power struggles and numb distance."

"I'd tried uncommitted relationships and found them lacking in depth," George says, explaining his romantic history up to that point. "They had caused me a lot of suffering."

Debra knew the feeling. She had been burned so many times that she was, in her words "completely fed up".

"I made a vow to stay away from anybody until I'd found someone I could take the journey with," "she remembers".

She found that someone in George, and he in her. They were married in 1981, and that's where their story, their journey, as Debra puts it, begins.

As is the case with many couples, once the first blush of romance had faded, the Taylors ran into problems. Debra says they "plummeted into dark material." In other words, they weren't getting along. They fought. They argued. They were drifting apart, falling back into the same old patterns that had doomed their relationships in the past. But this time they would discover that this was all part of being in love.

"Love is so powerful, it pushes to the surface what is in the way of love," Debra explains. "It's love doing its job. Love is forcing all that negative material into awarness so it can be released."

The Taylors made a conscious decision not only to try to save their marriage, but to turn it into something truly special, a source of spritual awakening and personal growth. As baby boomers and members of the therapy generation, they became active and then some.

"In our culture, 50 percent of married couples see it as the other person's problem, and divorce," Debra says. "Our parents' generation tried to be nice and not talk about it, putting up these veils of coping. But we did everything. We read books, attended workshops, saw therapists, went to retreats. And then we recognized one day that our life was different. We found ourselves enjoying each other. The techniques and tools we learned actually work.

"We realized that we could change and that we were changing," George adds. "People can learn better communication skills, new attitudes and how to be more loving people."

In Debra's case, a therapist helped her dig down inside and address the fear of inti-macy that was preventing her from loving George fully, causing her to blame him for the trouble they were having.

"Now that I had found someone I could take the journey with, I was really afraid he was going to leave me or die," she says. "I realized how vulnerable I was. I was protecting myself by making him bad. When I found out what was underneath this and how to talk about it, that was the linchpin to unlock it."

George's epiphany came when he admitted to himself that he wasn't entirely blameless, that he was as responsible for the success of the relationship as Debra.

"I had to take the focus off the other person and ask myself, 'How am I helping to create this problem?' " he recalls. "It wasn't all Debra's fault. The point when you realize that you are participating in these patterns is an incredible moment of awakening.

Today, both Debra, 48, and George, 50 are licensed marriage and family counselors. She is a co-founder of Inside/Outside Vision Quests and teaches meditation nationally with Jack Kornfield, a founder of Mann's Spirit Rock Meditation Center.

He is a national leader in the "men's community movement" and the author of "Talking with Our Brothers." He says he bases his spiritual practice on "meditation, creativity and humor."

Together, the Taylors lead "Courage to Love" relationship groups and retreats, helping other couples by sharing what they have learned in 20 years together.

"It's important to remember you need to enjoy life together, laughing and having fun," Debra says. "It's so basic."