George Taylor and Debra Chamberlin-Taylor

Introduction All couples have certain issues which cause stress or conflict. The reactions of each person to these issues are predictable; they tend to say the same thing over and over, whether the topic is sex, money, love, quality time, kids, or whatever. The tragedy of human psychology is that these predictable repetitive conflicts can go on for years, causing tremendous distance, anger, and wounding. The miracle of human psychology is that a person can become more aware of the deeper feelings and deeper needs that come up during these times of stress. This deeper awareness can be healing, because it leads to new communication patterns and new intimacy. When we are fighting with our partners, we want to convince them they did the wrong thing and should never do it again, or that they should apologize, or that we are right, or that we are more hurt than they are, or more intelligent or aware. The only problem with these strategies that they don't work. They always lead to more distance. Watch and see. We need to radically change our whole concept of how to solve the problem of distance and conflict. Believe it or not, self-revelation, of how we are reacting, of what we are feeling, of what we need, is far more healing than the old familiar strategies I am describing here. The TIME OUT activity helps people notice when they are getting into predictable conflicted patterns. The time out stops the predictable discourse that flows out of these patterns. There are really two different steps to the time out agreement. Step One: The couple agrees in advance to some guide lines for a time out which one of them can call if they feel separated from their partner. Step Two: During a conflict or time of separation, the couple implements the time out. If they do it correctly, there will be less distance created in the conflict, and it will be easier for each person to let go of their reactivity and return to a sense of connection. Step One: Making the Time Out Agreement with Your Partner Set an intention together that you want to notice repetitive patterns and change the way you communicate when the problems occur. Set the intention that the purpose of a time out to create some personal space in the middle of a conflict so that you can look within yourself. (A time out is not for the purpose of discovering new arguments why your partner was really wrong.) Agree that during a time out, you and your partner agree to look inside yourself and ask yourselves the following questions: What was I actually feeling in my body and in my emotions when the conflict started? What is some deeper feeling that I may have been having which was hard for me to identify while we were having the conflict? Is there some old memory from childhood or from other relationships that this feeling reminds me of? Agree on a way to communicate to each other that a time out is needed. (Couples can use verbal signals: "time out", "help", "stop", or hand signals; be creative.) 5. Agree on a time frame for reconnecting. (Not: in the next lifetime.) Suggestions: 5-10 minutes; an hour; tomorrow morning. The time frame will depend upon how aroused you get, and upon your skills at letting go. After you have put the agreements and procedures in place, hopefully in a quiet time of discussion, you are ready to radically transform these difficult dialogues. Step Two: Implementing a Time Out during Conflict or Stress One of you notices an old painful pattern of communication emerging and gives the signal. You both stop, knowing that in a set amount of time you will reconnect and share the answers to the above questions with your partner. You take some deep breaths and feel your feelings. Then ask yourself the sequence of questions. Reconnect with your partner and share. The skills, of becoming aware of your own experience, of making an association with an old experience prior to this relationship, and of talking about these inner truths in an honest and non-blaming way, take time to learn. Forgive yourself for not getting it right the first time. But keep practicing. Further activities will develop each of these individual skills. This is just the first in our series of activities for couples. From our website, www.couragetolove.com Copyright ©2001 George Taylor